Chimpanzee butt4/26/2023 And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: ‘It will be like this until the hair grows back. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. “Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. “Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. “I now have a great respect for anal-hair. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.” This was the part when things took an unexpected turn… The towel was covered with a pile of hair. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. “I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. ‘There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!’ by some idiot system tech. ‘Looks like a good day for a drive!’ by JFK. ![]() ‘How many Indians could there be?’ said by General Custer. ![]() It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. ‘Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!’ I said to myself. “I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can’t-Be-Flushed threshold. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. “No, I was not constipated this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. “I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. In a lengthy post that has since gone viral, one guy cautioned others:
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